I love that word touchstone. It’s tactile and illustrative. You’re the second person that’s ever used it with me but it’s always powerful, subtle, and just ‘connects’ when it’s there.
Also, thank you for your ‘processed’ response. It’s interesting to hear your life and find a mirror image of my own inside it. Although we may not share the same experiences, the lessons toward self-growth, change, and reflection ring true in my life as well.
I’m also working on taking my own advice, taking myself and my ambitions seriously, and saying ‘fuck them’ to the nonconstructive opinions [of others & myself] in my life. I have this thing with over-processing my own thoughts, it’s draining, especially when people have moved along and I’m still catatonic in the moment – or when writing emails like these, as you’ve gathered by now – sorry.
There are some hard feelings mixed here because I come from a long line of almost frighteningly strong women. They are never vulnerable, never open, never caught in a moment of weakness, just hands up, ready for the next fight. Learning from that has given me a great path and knowledge of the world, but being here, at the foot of my grandmother’s bed and telling her that she can’t walk somewhere because she’s got no legs is making me reevaluate every brick I’ve laid in the wall around my heart.
I’m slowly learning how difficult it is to maintain and cultivate tenderness and forgiveness in the chaos around me. Anger is so simple to conjure up, bitterness is an easy bed to make, and hatred is an effortless weapon to wave around when avoiding the seemingly impossible task of truth telling.
I’m scared.
I’m scared of speaking my truth because I don’t want to hurt the people around me, I’m scared of being truthful with myself and challenging the doubts that dictate my inactions, and I’m scared of what the future brings and the people that have invested in my ambitions, period.
What if everything i believe i deserve i stifle before they’ve ever begun? What if i’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere? What if my wandering ways are actually me wasting time, and not working towards the things i aspire to achieve before i leave this earth?
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but all my best plans have shattered before me in this past year and maybe this means something. All I know is that I’m growing and I’m becoming a little less afraid to be who you see me as. I’m looking into my grandmothers eyes and I realize that when people say hateful things, or complain, or feel afraid, that those moments will never compare to the tangible reality of what every day entails.
Every day we rise despite disrupted realities in which we fight with who we are and who we wish we could be.
Charlie Higher 